


Living Conditions Of The Stylishly Ironic

by SuperImposed



Series: Kinkfills: Fluff and Misc. Edition [5]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Aged Up!John, Domestic, Kinkfill, M/M, Non-Sburb, Pranking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-13
Updated: 2014-03-13
Packaged: 2018-01-15 15:31:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1309912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuperImposed/pseuds/SuperImposed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[Heavily snipped] "TL;DR: Bro brings home one night stands until Dave notices, and then the only person he drags into the path of his possessive sibling is his new romance, John. Bonus for John being the only person to make Bro react to anything, driving Dave crazy."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Opening With (Days Of Our Lives)

**Author's Note:**

> http://homesmut.dreamwidth.org/7587.html?thread=11608483#cmt11608483
> 
> Previously "This Prompt Gets All The Fills". Chose to keep Bro's name as it was.

"Where do babies come from?"  
  
Bro glanced at the eight year old from his computer (websites don't run themselves), before sighing in acceptance. Spinning the chair, he propped his elbows on his knees.  
  
"You see, Dave," he began matter-of-factly, "when a Lame Chump loves a Lady Friend very much, they have something called sex. A girl has a hole, and a dude has a tube, and a baby grows from their mixed genes inside the chick. But not you, lil bro," he fondly ruffled the cool out of Dave's hair, "You fell out of the sky, like some sick shooting star."  
  
\---------  
  
After that, Dave noticed every woman that walked through the front door late at night and straight into Bro's bedroom, even though Bro was always careful to tell them to "Keep the noise down, would ya?"  
  
He noticed that as gigs grew more frequent, so did the late night, and sometimes early morning, visitors that came by.  
  
He noticed when the lady friends became manly hunks, and he noticed it when Bro wasn't happy (or more stoic, I guess) the next morning as he brought a different strangers home each night.  
  
"Bro?" the ten-year-old asked through bites of breakfast cereal.  
  
"Yeah, Dave?"  
  
"How does sex with another guy work?"  
  
The shuffling of boxes behind the younger sibling stops. "It's a little different, I guess. I'll talk about it later, but for now, I think it's about time for your bus, right?"  
  
He is right, as always, and Dave looks it up on wikipedia for himself briefly that afternoon.  
  
"Dave."  
  
He turns from the computer.  
  
"I've got a gig tonight, and I won't be home until late. You're big enough to stay home by yourself tonight, right? Dinner's in the fridge- all you gotta do is microwave it."  
  
"Sure." Dave replied, summoning up all his coolkid powers to maintain a bored expression, the effect of which was entirely ruined by more excessive hair meddling.  
  
It had always seemed too loud at night, but now it was too quiet. Finally, at four am, Bro dragged himself back through the door, new hickeys littering his neck, crashing into bed and sitting at breakfast a few hours later, glad the shades covered the bags under his eyes. The only sound made that morning came from spoons clanking against bowls.  
  
\-------  
  
Bro never brought anyone home anymore- he either came alone after a gig or stayed out late. It ended three years later when Dave stumbled out for breakfast, and found an extra chair at the table, occupied by the stupidest looking chump he had ever seen. They both looked up when the youngest Strider walked through the doorway, and the stranger waved with a goofy grin.  
  
"Hey, you must be Dave- I've heard a lot about you."  
  
Dave nodded, his suspicion badly covered, even by his upgraded level of nonchalance.  
  
"Hi, my name's John."


	2. Dave's Insight (Dave's In A Snit)

There are some things you learn pretty quick about John.  
  
For one, he _bakes_. Cookies and cake and even pies - it's like Christmas up in here.  
  
Not just sweet stuff, either; chicken pot pie or chicken 'n' dumplings or baked ziti or a dozen other dishes that may or may not involve dough. Loathe as you are to admit it it all tastes pretty damn good, especially to a kid used to chowing down on junk food and take-out that's about to turn.  
  
He keeps showing up, almost every morning, and you've gotten used to the pancakes and waffles by the third time. You think you see Bro looking a little guilty at how much you've filled out lately. You whine about getting fat and how no one will take you to prom, and he relaxes.

\------

The second thing is that he is a totally unironic bleeding heart. One day he sees Bro passing you the fiver for lunch - a couple of Mountain Dews out of the overpriced school machine - and apparently questioned him over it, because the next day he's presenting you with a brown paper bag with 'dave' scrawled on it in lowercase red marker.  
  
You find a pink Squiddles lunchbox in a trash can on the way home and wash it out in front of him. He frowns a little bit and puts plastic wrap around the lunch for the next day.  
  
Two days later he's presenting you with a Con Air lunch box. It has Slimer stickers on it.  
  
Maybe he's more ironic than you thought.

\------

The third thing is that as sweet as he seems, he has a mischievous streak. After the first month - when you got so sick of him hogging Bro that you decked him, breaking his nose and cracking three bones in your hand - little notes in unpunctuated red lowercase appeared in your lunch. Usually it was Bro leaving an ironic remark of some kind.  
  
You thought he'd just come up with it himself - it was a pretty ironic move - when one day there's an addendum in bright blue 'he's just trying to say he's proud of you! good luck at school!' and you realize that this is his way of getting back at you. Sometimes the notes are on sparkly pink paper.  
  
One day, after the both of you have healed, you bitch him out over Bro again. He just smiles and waves it off, like last time. The next day there's a chocolate cupcake in your lunch. You don't think anything of it until a desperate need to hit the john slams you in the middle of class. You don't even bother raising your hand before running, clutching your stomach.

 

 

\------------------------------

 

 

You pause in the middle of applying a hickey to the blonde man's neck. He groans and grabs at your shoulders. "What?" he half-whines.

"Oh, I think my prankster's gambit just, like, tripled."

He growls into your collar. "That better be some kind of innuendo."

You chuckle and lean back down to kiss him.


	3. John's Perspective (Goddamn Prankster Gambit)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's just all agree that giving me free reign to name chapters/fics is a poor idea.

Dave doesn't seem to like you very much.  
  
That's understandable! If a strange man was constantly coming into your house, dating your Dad...actually that's kind of disturbing.  
  
You try to be nice and understanding about it, even when he gets mad and gripes at you about taking his Bro away. You try to win him over with food - except for Betty Crocker, you don't care how much you want him to like you, _no_ \- and it seems to work! Heinrich looks a little bit guilty about the lean kid's weight gain, but you kiss him on the cheek and assure him that he's a good dad. You mean bro.  
  
One day you see Heinrich passing Dave a five dollar bill on his way out. You frown. "What, they don't have lunch accounts at his school?"  
  
He shifts and looks at you blankly - you can always tell when he does that, even with the shades. "Nah, school food sucks. He's probably just grabbing a soda."  
  
You're shocked and appalled. The next day you bag some lasagna, a thermos of milk, an apple, and some Gushers (the only not-made-from-scratch-thing you can allow) and give it to Dave. You can tell he's surprised behind the mini anime shades. You just grin.

\------

You and Heinrich have been going out a while - almost a month - and it's taking its toll on Dave. You voice your concerns about taking his big brother away, but he just tells you that Dave is made of sterner stuff and can tough it out. Not in those words exactly, that's more like something your dad would say.  
  
Apparently it's more stressful than Dave let on or Heinrich expected, because not a week later he tries to get into an argument about it. When you refuse to reciprocate, he punches you in the face. You just let him stomp out as you tried to slow the flow of blood. He probably hurt his hand pretty bad from that.  
  
You tell your boyfriend that he should try leaving encouraging notes in Dave's lunch, like your dad did. He gets that nervous look that he always does when you talk about nice family things, but in the end complies.  
  
Sometimes you think he feels a little awkward about it, and so you help him by adding little words of clarification or encouragement to some of the notes. Heinrich calls you 'the best mom' and ruffles your hair.

\------

Of course, your prankster's gambit means not all the notes are nice. Some are embarrassing, like 'too bad you forgot your homework' or 'sorry you walked in on us'. Heinrich laughs and lets you.  
  
Two weeks later Dave is mad again, calling you a homewrecker and a number of other things. At least he doesn't try to hit you this time.  
  
You voice your concerns about how you might be pushing them apart. Heinrich tells you that you need to earn Dave's respect. Sick beats and irony are out of your reach, but other things are not.  
  
Heinrich just looks at you when you find the chocolax and start laughing like a maniac.


	4. Bro's View (The Shades Don't Help)

You can feel the tension the moment you introduce them.   
  
Were you anyone else, you would have frowned. Not good. You were hoping Dave and John would at least be able to tolerate each other, considering how important both are to you.  
  
John just laughs, breaking the silence and ice in one fell swoop. He ruffles Dave's hair and offers to make breakfast.  
  
John's near-fetishistic obsession with baking pays off - Dave's never had home-made food before, not like this, and you can see a bit of awe in his expression every time John whips up a meal.  
  
John is surprisingly shocked over the fact that Dave doesn't bother with school lunch crap. He even puts something together for the little guy; you find a red marker and convince him to put Dave's name on it.  
  
Despite this, things are still pretty tense, to the point that one day he and Dave get into a fight over you. Before you can come in and cut things off with a witty retort, Dave slams his fist into John's face and races out the door.  
  
You kneel by the brunnette and help him stop the bleeding. He sends you after Dave, who sure enough has cracked fingers. The wait in the emergency room is one of the most awkward you've ever had, short of the time Dave got his little man stuck in the toaster and you had to drag him in, half-shaved and shirtless. You can't even manage a few wisecracks.

\------

Surprisingly, John is in no way angry. He encourages you to show your affection for Dave a little more overtly, including the idea of sappy notes in his lunch. When he finds you struggling for words and defaulting back or irony, he grabs another pen and adds his own touch.  
  
God, you love him so much.  
  
It's not the last time he and your brother argue over you. Fortunately the next occasion does not come to blows, although a day later you notice Dave coming home from school and giving your boyfriend a half-incredulous, half-almost-respecting look.   
  
John just laughs when you as about it.

**Author's Note:**

> For those wondering about the toaster thing, http://homesmut.dreamwidth.org/5681.html?thread=6570545#cmt6570545  
> (No warnings apply except MAYBE genital damage)


End file.
